1.4 Brahmacharya and Relationship

Brahmacharya and Relationships

The practice of yoga is a science that purifies the energetic and physical bodies in order to ascend through progressively more subtle layers of our self, our consciousness, the collective consciousness, and the final rung of spiritual silence that is at once quality-less and pervasive in and as all things.

In this exploration of the fourth Yama, or social restraint, we dive into the uncomfortable and misrepresented concept of Brahmacharya.  Literally this means following the path of the divine, of the Brahmin within you, God.  Practically, this yogic principle means sexual celibacy and chastity.

We try to get around the direct lesson of celibacy in all sorts of ways: Brahmacharya really means restraint in our use of excessive energy; it’s a way to return our energy back inwards. 

Yes I do think you can make this argument in modern times and with modern sentiment where the general popular culture praises sexual empowerment, freedom, and shamelessness in sexual choice.  But let’s not sidestep the fact that sexual celibacy is the way that yogis and ascetics practiced Brahmacharya for thousands of years and the term is a direct definition of celibacy.

In married practitioners Brahmacharya means fidelity: not committing adultery in thought or deed.  In religious practice Brahmacharya represents the first of the four stages of life in the path of Asramadharma. The young student is in this bachelor stage of acquiring knowledge and learning about the dharmic path of yoga, and as a celibate (up to about the age of 25 traditionally) he is a Brahmacharya.  The next three phases of the aspirant’s path are: Grhastha, or married life pursued by the virtuous householder; Vanaprastha, the retirement stage where husband and wife return with one another to spiritual devotion; and Samnyasa or the renunciate stage at life’s end which is once again marked by restraint, simplicity, peace, and spiritual commitment.

To bring Brahmacharya home to our own complex cultural context I think it’s useful to consider all forms of restraint in thought and action, taking the broader meaning of the term that can be inclusive for all of us regardless of our sexual habits and preferences.  How do we therefore practice yoga in our relationships? We discussed the importance of boundaries in earlier Yamas but here we must really understand what that means and why it is important. 

I will just leave this part by saying: check that sexual part of your life.  Only you know in the depth of your heart if your sexual energy is in conduct along the previous Yamas: compassionate and non-harming of yourself and others (Ahimsa), connected to your deepest truthfulness and wisdom (Satya), and in no way stealing or robbing another’s own right to authority and agency (Asteya).

Brahmacharya in Relationship:

Our relationships provide, hands down, the best material for our spiritual growth.  I’m not saying that this growth or this material is easy- on the contrary!  Gosh- don’t we wish sometimes we could just find a cave somewhere and retreat for a while? It would be so much easier to just meditate alone than dive into the grit and constant noise of life.  But where are the lessons in that?

The triggers that come up in our most complex interactions with those with whom we are the closest is exactly the trove of material that gives us the most opportunity for growth and transformation.  In modern life this is where we can find the lessons of Brahmacharya.

We need to understand and define what a relationship is first.  To relate to someone requires some kind of link, whether familial or friendly. What many of us consider a “relationship” is not exactly so because we have become so codependent with that person that the distance and respect that are foundational to all relationships has long since disappeared.  

Have you ever felt “unseen” or misunderstood by a close family member, a partner, or a colleague or friend?  This happens all the time.  And it really hurts.  We can get so used to a previous model (especially in our longer, even decades-long relationships) of a person that we are not savvy or receptive to their changes over time.  After all, a relationship requires a regular checking-in, a revisiting with fresh eyes what is going on at the emotional and psycho-spiritual level of your beloved.  

So when one or both parties in a communion have stopped looking through those fresh eyes, through kindness and curiosity, through the honesty born from compassion, then we are inviting into the dynamic a whole lot of projection.  Projection is by far one of the hardest problems to root out between people, especially those who are the closest: siblings, partners, parents and children.

Projection and codependence are a recipe for relationship collapse and for the dispersal of energy that sustains our deep spiritual growth.  

Ironically, sometimes to rebuild a healthy relationship we need to step way back- practicing a kind of Brahmacharya in our restraint.  We need to get back to the basics.  To slowly erase our projections and expectations of another person.  To learn to relate again.

If your beloved is unwilling to unwind this does not mean that the process is dead.  That you need to walk away.  Of course, maybe that is exactly what it means- only you can know.  But maybe your own internal uncording, unbinding, & unravelling can feed a deeper catalyst that, over time, can build new inroads to tired eyes of love.

Step back and figure out the big question: what is mine?  What is not mine? 

These questions are very big and they take some time to answer.  So give yourself the time.  Meditate.  Get the support of a professional or a wise friend.

Once you know what belongs to you and what does not you are ready to create boundaries.  When you know that something is not yours you do not have to feed into that pattern or energy.  You can simply say no.  

We have a terrible relationship to the word “no” this day and age.  “No” does not mean that you are rejecting, spiritually failing, or being rude or unkind.  On the contrary, a strong heart requires many “no’s” in order to function properly and expand.  So embrace the no!  Step away from conversations that aren’t working.  Graciously step out of situations where you know there can be no good outcome.

This is the height of energetic restraint and part of a practice that returns your energy back to basecamp so that you can be wise.  So that you have the resources to understand what’s happening in the bigger picture.

By listening to and honoring the no you will be more safe and grounded and sincere in your yeses. The yes can flourish when the no is equally cherished.

The heart is a very tender place and a very honest place.  By turning into your heart- into YOURSELF- you can start to embark on healthy relationships with others.  Your heart will tell you immediately what works and what doesn’t work.  What is yours and what is not yours.  This is where the real gift of relationship can start, including sexual relationship. 

You can learn to relate to your beloveds in healthy ways- with clarity and purpose.  It will take time.  It will succeed or it will fail.  That’s ok.  Forgive yourself and try again. But by pulling back, creating boundaries, learning to say no and flourish the yes, you may just find yourself in a nourishing and healthy relationship.  The heart will only be monogamous when it is safe.  Let us find that safety so that we may be committed to all of our relationships- intimate or otherwise.